Brain Barf

So, I've been hesitating posting about this, but I just have to say to the world...

WHEW! I am so glad that it is June 2008 and NOT June 2007!! I'm back and it feels good!

Aydin's birthday was great and I tried my hardest to not "relive" last year. It's a shame that my memory of Aydin as a newborn is forever tainted by the devastating postpartum depression that nearly destroyed me. I hate that when I think of Aydin's birth and the weeks and months following it, my stomach turns. I hope as the years pass, this won't be the case as much. But, I know that what we went through will forever be etched in my mind like a bad tattoo. There's nothing I can do about that. It is what it is. It's so unfair.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I was doing this time last summer. What a lifetime ago that feels like, though I remember all of it like it was yesterday. Not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind at least once... usually many more times. I never really posted much about the details of what I went through for two reasons. 1.) I talked about it constantly to whoever would listen. To get it off my chest at the time was the only way I felt I could keep my head above water. So, being that I spent hours of every day pouring out my innermost feelings, I didn't have the energy or the time to spill my guts on the blog. 2.) After the worst of it was over and I was on my way back, it was just too raw to delve into. I had just pulled myself out of the hole and I didn't feel like climbing back in to relive all the pain. I just stopped wanting to talk about it. Maybe I figured it was easier to just move on if I didn't focus on what had happened too much. Maybe I was a little embarrassed about the whole thing. When I was going through it, all I did was talk about it. I felt no shame. But, since then, I find myself being surprised about how open I was about it at the time because it seems a little shameful to me now. I mean, I know I shouldn't feel that way, but in some respects, I do. Plus, I feel like a lot of people are uncomfortable when I bring it up - especially people that weren't around for all the drama. I think when most people think postpartum depression, they think about Brooke Shields wanting to drive her car into a brick wall (with the baby in the back seat) or Andrea Yates drowning her precious children. So, I think people are scared to find out what I mean when I say I had postpartum depression. Just for the record, I never had the desire to hurt either of my children. I did have a fear of knives and of walking too close to the ledge of the stairwell with one of the kids in my arms. I never wanted to hurt them, but as I felt my mental capacity being seriously compromised, I didn't trust myself. I didn't know what would happen to me next that might turn me into a seriously psychotic person. I couldn't sleep... sometimes for days. I barely could eat. My stomach was in knots 24 hours a day. At my lowest, I weighed 8 pounds less than I weighed when I got pregnant with Carsten. I cried ALL the time. I constantly felt anxious. I felt overwhelmed. I felt hopeless... so hopeless. I remember one night as my mom fed Aydin, I laid on the floor crying and asking her, "What am I going to do with my kids? Who is going to take care of my kids?" I seriously thought that life as I knew it was over. I had become too mentally unstable to take care of my kids. My mom took a leave of absence from work to stay with me and the kids during the day until Danyel came home from work. Danyel slept in the living room and got up with Aydin EVERY night until he started sleeping through the night. All the while, I laid in my bed alone trying to sleep with ear plugs in and the air cleaner on to drown out all of my anxieties. My mind constantly raced with nonsense thoughts and images. For three months I hardly slept. I remember being scared to death that I was losing my mind because for days (at the height of my sleep deprivation) I heard Carsten's voice in my head constantly crying out, "Mama! Mama! Mama!" Over and over and over. I was so scared. I remember thinking on several occasions that it would be easier for everyone if I was to just go away. I begged Danyel several times to check me into a hospital. I just wanted somebody to give me something that would knock me out for days. I was exhausted. An exhausted that I hope none of you ever experience in your lifetime. Then, after two psychiatrists (that probably did more harm than good) and numerous medications that weren't working, I found Dr. Basu. She was like an angel parting the clouds. She told me that my case was severe, but gave me hope that things would get better. Aydin was 3 months old. She specialized in treating postpartum depression and immediately changed my meds to a "cocktail" she had used hundreds of times in patients with my symptoms. She assured me that it would work, and if it didn't, we would find something that did. I didn't have much optimism in her promises, but she was right. That night I started taking my new medications and I slept. From then on, everyday I started feeling a little better. I felt the clouds lifting. As Fall rolled in, I was coming out of my haze and feeling more like myself again. For people who don't believe in psychiatric medications, you have never been in a place where you or someone you love really needed them. When I got put on the right medications, everything changed. I had never been depressed at any other time in my life. I didn't have "issues" or problems. My life was perfect in every way. The chemicals in my brain were just out of whack. Once they were fixed, so was I.

Presently, I have weaned myself off most of my medications. It hasn't been easy, but I am getting there. I hope to be medication free by the end of this year. I am taking it slow... probably slower than I need to, but I am being overly cautious (at the advice of my doctor). I would say that right now, I feel like myself almost 100%. Sometimes the memories of going through my hell still scare me. I still have a fear of not sleeping. I now know what a fine line there is between sanity and insanity and it is harrowing. I think I am a pretty well adjusted "normal" person. If this can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

Just so you know... Dr. Basu was my "medication" angel, but the ones who really kept it all together were my mom and Danyel. I can't even let my mind wander where I would be now if it wasn't for them. My mom stayed with me everyday... never left my side. Danyel took on the bruit of all the parenting for months. They both listened to me cry and watched my downward spiral on a daily basis. All the while, staying supportive and keeping hope. I am so blessed and fortunate to have them. I could never repay them for their sacrifices. They could never know what they meant to me last summer.

So, like I said, it feels damn good to be back. I feel robbed of Aydin's first few months with us, and the guilt of it all can be overwhelming still to this day. But, I am just so glad to be alive, happy, and enjoying my life... enjoying my children.

So, there's my story... sort of. That's just the surface of what I went through, what my family went through. But, hopefully you get the gist. I needed to get it out. I needed this brain barf. I feel much better. Now let's move on.

BTW... I have never written down Aydin's birth story, so be on the lookout for that in the near future. Luckily, we recorded the whole event, so I can refresh my memory before putting it together. I know so much time has passed now that some of the details are forever lost, but I feel like I owe it to Aydin (and myself) to tell the world about one of the most joyous days of my life... the day he came into it.