A Sigh of Relief

Yesterday, I read this post.

It made my day.

I could not have said this better myself. This exact thing has been pulling on my heartstrings and causing me grief and guilt for the last 10 1/2 months. I thought it was just me. It's not. The comments left after this post were even more reassuring to me that ALL MOMS FEEL LIKE THIS. Huh. Who would have known?

Maybe I can let go of some of the guilt, then...

maybe.

(Seriously... if you are a mom of more than one child, you have to read this. Let me know what you think about it!)

Today

Aydin had a big day today. We went to the mall and him and Carsten played at the play area. It was his first time to actually play. He had a blast and so did I. It was one of those rare moments when I could focus completely on Aydin since Carsten is old enough to not need supervision while playing (for the most part). So, I kicked my shoes off and crawled through the tunnels, slid down the slides, and crawled up the stairs right along with Aydin. Playing like a child is a great rush. It really gets the endorphins flowing. It was great to spend some one on one time with Aydin exploring.

After all the play, it was time for a bottle. Aydin, like his brother was (my boys are more similar than most people think), is LAZY when it comes to doing things for himself... like feeding himself his bottle. He has never done it. Well, today, he did... at least most of the bottle. He actually started to fuss anytime I tried to hold it for him.

This may sound like small stuff to some, but this is big news in the everyday life of a mom like me.

Congrats on your two firsts Aydin!

5 Fave (from the weekend)

Recap

Where do I start??

Let's start with Aydin... my little chunky monkey. He's almost a year old! I can't believe it. I am really sad about this. Being that Aydin is my last baby, I wish he would stay a baby a little longer. I'm not ready to have another "boy" running loose in this house! He hasn't started walking yet, but I give it a few more weeks before he gets brave enough to take his first steps. He can stand alone for a pretty good amount of time. He crawls and cruises around like a mad man exploring everything. He is just like his brother, in that sense, very active and inquisitive. He's been a pretty easy baby. He never fusses much and is always smiling. We drag him around with us everywhere and he adjusts to whatever setting we're in. He's a whopping 27 lbs. and seems to be getting a little chunkier again now that he is eating a full three meals a day. He's still on mostly baby food & formula because, like his brother again, he has an awful gag reflex. He can do cheerios and crumbled cheese, but most things come back up, so I don't even bother. We'll give it a couple of more months before I try to start pushing table food on him again. Let's see... what else. He has eight teeth. He sleeps like a champ. He has a deep voice and laugh. I think he says "Mama" (but only when he is whining). His hair is to die for and I am never going to cut it (at least not until Danyel makes me). He is just the cutest thing ever! I could slop him up with a spoon. YUM! Everywhere we go, people tell us how sweet and adorable he is. We didn't have the same experience with Carsten. He came out looking like a little boy. People just melt at Aydin's feet. I love it. Maybe it's those blue eyes...

Carsten. Carsten has had quite a year. He went through a little rough patch after Aydin was born... lots of defying and tantrums. The worst part of it all was that he was mad at me. For awhile he just didn't want anything to do with me. It about killed me. Talk about guilt. But, he adjusted to having a brother and is really enjoying him now that he can move around and play. He's a little rough with him at times, though. The other morning, Danyel found Aydin with a cord wrapped twice around his neck and Carsten had him pinned up against the wall. When Danyel asked him why he did that, he said, "I didn't mean to" (that's what he ALWAYS says) and then said, "I didn't want to play with him anymore, Daddy". Ha. Reason enough, huh? I feel like I repeat the word "gentle!" like a mantra every day. He knows better, but he just does it out of spite. I think he gets tired of being the one who is always getting told what to do and corrected, while Aydin lives on easy street and he takes his frustrations out on him. Carsten potty trained about 8 months ago (??? again, bad memory). It was fairly easy once I figured out what worked best for him. He is starting preschool in September, which I am super excited about. The school is awesome! Not to mention, I am really going to enjoy having some one on one time with Aydin. Carsten gave up his nap about 6 months ago, which has been an adjustment for me. I just started a "quiet time" this week where he has to go in his room and play quietly with the door closed for an hour. It's been great... I have really noticed a difference in his behavior. Plus, I get an hour to myself to do stuff (like update my blog!) Carsten is very active and all boy. It's a challenge to find him playmates that can keep up with him. He's a fairly good kid. Three has been way worse than two, though. Rebellion, defiance, back talking, not listening... all his weak points. But, we are working it out. I think we have it under control as best as possible. We don't need Supernanny... yet. I am really looking forward to 4!

As for Danyel, he is doing great.... work is great... He just got a new scooter, which he is loving. You can check out the video a few posts ago. He is awesome. What more could I say? Love you Pookie!

Then, there's Me! I am good. Adjusting to having two kids was way more of a challenge than I had imagined, but I made it out the other end all in one piece (for the most part). I could tell you some stories, Internet, but we'll save that for later. I enjoy being home with the kids, but have to stay busy. We do story time at the library and and a mom's group at the park every week. I have met a lot of other moms in the area this year, which has been great. I do get tired of looking at the walls in the house, so I really look forward to weekends out adventuring with the family and to vacations. I have all of our vacations planned through 2009! Yes, I am obsessed like that. We are going to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic in the Caribbean in July, Destin in October, Cabo San Lucas next Spring, on an Alaskan cruise next summer, and probably back to Destin next October... all with the kiddos. I haven't been ready to leave Aydin yet. I don't know why. It's been much harder than with Carsten. Aydin has never spent a night away from us. Maybe just about the time I get ready, my mom will be retired and able to keep the kids for us while we go globe trotting! We've been vacationing a lot with my parents, which is great. They are fun travel companions and great with the kids. We had a great time in Cancun together last month. That's about it... other than that, my life revolves around the kids schedules, dishes, laundry, and cooking. It can get pretty routine, but that's the way I like it... predictable.

THE END. Let's move on from here, shall we? No time to be living in the past!

And, I'm Back!

O.K. So, I am going to give this blog thing a go again.

It's been a while internet. I owe you an update, I know. Forgive me, for I have been busy.... raising rugrats and stuff like that.

I miss blogging.

I miss archiving my life with my 3 boys.

The last 10 1/2 months have been a blur. Aydin's whole existance has been a blur. The last year has flown by, but at the same time, a year ago seems like a lifetime ago. I am so sad that I haven't blogged about Aydin with the same intensity that I did during Carsten's first year. I am regretful that I haven't posted an update on Carsten in almost a year. All those moments... gone. My memory is bad these days... really bad. So, I probably won't be going back and recapping much... maybe just a quick update on what we have all been up to.

Anyway, I am hoping to get back on the ball... more stories and more pictures. But, it's not for you, Internet...

It's all for these guys.

They deserve it.

Danyel's New Plaything

Lord, help me...

Children's Festival Rides

Video 2

Video 3

Things I love most about Baby Aydin (and want to make sure that I remember)...

I love...

...the way he chuckles that big belly laugh when you rub your head in his chest or sniff his crotch (don't ask).
...that big beautiful grin that softens your heart in an instant.
...his man boobs.
...his chunky little thighs.
...the way he instantly calms when you pat his bottom over and over.
...the way he watches his brother in awe with every move Carsten makes.
...the way he sleeps so peacefully ALL NIGHT LONG.
...the way he constantly is kicking his little feet without a care in the world.
...his love for jumping - in the jumperoo, the excersaucer, the walker, or on your lap.
...his long soft hair that is starting to curl at the ends.
...his sticky fingers (hence the nickname 'Senor Sticky Fingers') Everything within reach gets retrieved with a death grip. This is lovable most of the time, unless you are Danyel and the object being man handled is your chest hair. OUCH!

and last, but not least...

...his gentle, peaceful, and kind nature (hence his other nicknames - 'Buddha' and 'Gentle Giant')

I am so proud to be his mommy every day. I am amazed, once again, that I have helped create such a perfect human being.

Tom and Jerry

Here are some pics of the boys from last night. We took them to Grammy's to do a little trick or treating. Carsten had a blast and Aydin went along for the ride. I may be a little biased, but they were the best dressed out of all the other costumes I saw!

Some recent pics of the Fam...

Aydin during his first trip to the zoo last week

Carsten loving his DQ

A family pic we took a few weeks back

The boys in the bike trailer we got for our new bikes.

Digging myself out

It's been almost 4 months since my last post. Wow. A lifetime of experiences have passed. Most of you know that I have been suffering from severe postpartum depression and anxiety since Aydin's birth. I hate that I have not posted with cute pictures and tales of his first four months in this world because there are plenty to share. The truth is that I have been reluctant to post due to the obvious elephant in the room. The last four months have been the most difficult of my life and I just don't think that I am ready to share my story here. One day, but not today. I am just starting to feel better after switching to my third psychiatrist, who, thank God, specializes in dealing with postpartum mood disorders. I am just starting to feel like myself again. I am just starting to believe that there is a light at the end of this dark and lonely tunnel. I want to tell you about all the medications that I have tried that didn't help. I want to tell you about the ones that are helping. I want to tell you about my lowest points. I want to tell you, but I am not ready to back track. I am working hard to only focus on moving forward at this point.

Aydin has arrived, obviously, and has been a glorious addition to our perfect family. He completes us. He is the sweetest and happiest baby. His face and personality are angelic. We have nicknamed him Buddha because of his rather plump frame and gentle soul. I want to tell you all about him. I want to tell you about my glorious delivery experience. I want to tell you about coming to terms with the fact that I have brought my last child into the world. And I will.

Carsten is adjusting to being a big brother slowly. He has been a challenge in recent months. I am not sure what to credit the behavior to - getting used to sharing our attentions, just being 2, or my illness. Maybe it is a combination of all three. He continues to shock us with his intelligence and entertain us with his beaming personality.

Danyel has been the star player the last few months. Without him, I am convinced that I would be in a psychiatric hospital by now. I want to tell you all about his heroic actions. I want to tell you about how he has saved me. And I will.

I have so much to share. I've got a million things to tell you internet. Maybe I'll start tomorrow.

Getting in touch with my roots

Yesterday I attempted to make my first batch of Czech kolaches ever. For those of you not in the know, a REAL Kolache is not filled with sausage and cheese - those are called pigs in a blanket. An authentic Kolache is a semi sweet flavored bread like pastry with a sweet filling... traditionally, prune, poppyseed, apricot, or cottage cheese. I used a combination of my Grandmother's recipe and some recipes I found on the Internet. They took most of the day and were way more work than I had bargained for. They turned out pretty good for a first attempt. My only failure was that I baked a good half of them for too long. I grew up eating Kolaches at my Grandmother's every Sunday. Since she has passed, they are an elusive craving that I get from time to time. There are a few places to get them in Houston, but none that even compare to an authentic Czech kolache. Now I have a small stash in my freezer and life is that much sweeter because of it.

My Little Ham

Lunchtime

One of my most favorite times of the day is when Danyel comes home for lunch. I know that we are very lucky to be able to eat 3 meals together as a family every single day. Not to mention that these days since Carsten rules most of the conversation, it can be down right knee slapping.

Here is just a little tidbit from lunch today:

Carsten (giggling): Mama, look at Daddy! (side note: Danyel was eating a chicken leg - more like devouring it like a carnivore gone mad)

Me: I know. What is daddy doing?

Carsten (still giggling): He's eating like a pig!

Good stuff.

My First Born

Amidst all this business of getting ready for our new addition to the family, Carsten has become quite a young man. His metamorphosis into a "real" person just within the last few months has been astounding. His personality is shining through in ways that shock us every single day.

He is very stubborn and strong willed like his mom. This is the "challenging" part of his personality. It makes for a lot of tantrums and power struggles, but I know that this character trait will serve him well in life in the right situation. Unfortunately, right now, it is making potting training an impossible feat. Carsten will not use the potty. Period. He refuses to give up his diapers. End of story. Eventually, we are just going to have to go cold turkey on him, I have a feeling. It is going to get nasty, but I think that it is going to be the only way to accomplish the task once and for all. Lord help us! This part of his personality also makes daily transitions difficult. If he is focused on doing something and we have to tear him away from it, he loses it. It is hard for us to steer his attention to something else.

Carsten is very much so a creature of habit and loves routine. He likes to have things a certain way. He likes to have a certain cup with juice in it every morning. He will not go to sleep with anything out of order in his room. He has to have "Doggy", "Teddy", and "Other Teddy" in bed with him, but nothing else. His toys have to all be in the toy box or on the shelf like always. A lot of this comes from being 2, but a lot of it is also inherited and will stick with him. (Thanks Grandpa Sralla).

He is very active and total boy. I wouldn't say he is active as in "wild", but he is constantly moving and exploring. He does not sit still. EVER. He loves to go, go, go. He gets very restless at home and constantly is asking to go bye-bye. This is something he has inherently learned from Danyel and I as we love to stay busy during the day and hate to sit still at home for too long.

He is EXTREMELY talkative (like his father) and his language skills are remarkable for his age. I am surprised multiple times a day by what comes out of his mouth. He seems to have a much better vocabulary than most kids his age. He talks in full sentences very clearly. Danyel and I have no problem understanding 95% of what he says and friends and relatives that are close can understand a good majority of it.

Like Danyel, he is extremely mechanical and curious about how everything works (hence the door obsession).

He has an amazing sense of humor.

He is a performer. If he realizes that something gets a chuckle out of someone, he turns it on until he has tears rolling down your cheeks. He loves to "show" things to people and can spend half an hour giving you a play by play of what he has done that day. He is more of an extrovert than either Danyel or I and is extremely friendly with other kids and adults. Just the other day at the play area at the mall he approached a 4 or 5 year old girl and said very enthusiastically, "Come on! Let's play!" Unfortunately, she was a little put off by his enthusiasm and forwardness. She told him to go away and that she did not want to play with him. I felt so sad for him, but he just laughed it off and went about his business. I hope he keeps this attitude when it comes to rejection. He is so intrigued by older kids because he has something to learn from them.

His memory is astounding. It scares us the things that he will remember... things he will repeat that we had no idea he was even paying attention to at the time. About a month ago we were at Home Depot and he was not listening to us and throwing tantrum after tantrum. I had to eventually take him to the car while we waited for Danyel to finish up. Today we went to Lowes garden center and as I was getting him out of his car seat he said to me, "No crying in the store Mama or you have to go sit in the car." We must have been to a garden center 5 times since that Home Depot experience (have you met my husband with the very green thumb?), but he still remembered that incident.

He is very adaptable. He goes with the flow for the most part. He adapts well to new environments and new situations. When we travel as a family, he doesn't miss a wink of sleep being in a different place and seems to like the change in environment. When Danyel and I leave him behind to travel alone, I get anxious, but he doesn't even seem to notice. He takes it all in stride and goes about life as usual wherever he is.

He has always been very independent. I think this is common, though, with first born children. They learn to play and entertain themselves at an early age because they have no siblings around at first to play with.

Carsten is a total Mama's boy, which I relish most of the time, but it can get tiresome being the one he prefers to do everything. When it comes to playing, though, he goes straight to Danyel. He knows that Dad is the fun one. I spend a lot of evenings watching Danyel and Carsten wrestle or play "nite-nite" and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my two boys.

Our biggest challenge with Carsten is discipline right now. Using time out has been the most effective way of getting him in check, but it's not always a sure thing. He is so determined to explore and do what he wants that it is sometimes difficult for us to get him to follow direction. We are pretty consistent with keeping on him until we get a result, but we are just anxiously awaiting the day when he does what we ask him to do the first time around. (I hear you other mothers out there laughing. Stop it!)

My original intent in setting up this blog was to help me keep a record of my children's lives and the special moments in my life. With the baby soon arriving and stealing some of Carsten's spotlight here on the web, I wanted to devote a post just to him. I wanted to have a record of what he was like at this particular moment in time. I wanted to put into writing for the umpteenth time what a remarkable blessing he has been in my life. He has taught me an infinite number of things, such as patience, unconditional love, and selflessness. He is the child who taught me how to be a mother (my second born will surely be the one to teach me the art of multitasking). He is the child that so dramatically changed my life in an instant. He has given my life a purpose that it never had before. Pretty soon our time alone together will end and our family will welcome yet another blessing. However, I will always cherish the 2 years and 4 months that I had alone with my first born to bond as mother and son and to discover the remarkable little person that he is.

Carsten flying his first kite

Meet "The Belly"

The Home Stretch

It's been a while since I last posted, but things have been very busy around here the last couple of months. My nesting instinct was brutal with this pregnancy and nearly killed me (and Danyel, for that matter). Every home improvement project needing to be done in the last few years is now done. I have cleaned and organized every inch of this house. The baby's nursery is done. Carsten's room has been turned into a "big boy" room with queen size bed and all. We've had the house painted, the gutters cleaned, re stained the deck, replaced the patio door, had the carpets cleaned, and wallpapered the downstairs bath. I have stockpiled toilet paper, paper towels, toiletries, food, etc. as if once the baby comes we are not going to be able to leave the house for 2 months. We have enough food frozen to feed us for a month. I have even almost finished my shopping for Father's Day, which is still over a month away. I am so prepared this time around. Call me crazy, but I know the chaos that is about to descend upon this house for the next few months. Last time, I thought I knew. But, you can't REALLY know until you have experienced life with a newborn before.

Now, we just wait. At most, we wait 12 more days. I have scheduled my induction for May 23rd. Being that my body is a safe house for babies, I don't expect to go into labor on my own, so I am banking on the 23rd, which is two days after my due date. As of this Monday, I was still not dilated any and the baby's head was still high. By this point last time with Carsten I was already dilated almost 4 cm, but, I still had to be induced a week after my due date. I have started having some contractions and cramping this week, so hopefully I will have made some progress by my appointment next week. I would like to get a little bit of a head start on dilation before my induction to just make the process of labor and delivery go by that much faster.

I am feeling very miserable lately. My mobility in general has dramatically decreased in the last few weeks. I am very uncomfortable and my patience is gone. Taking care of Carsten during the day has been an almost impossible feat. Wrestling a toddler constantly while carrying a full term baby in your uterus is very challenging. But, we are making due. Danyel has picked up a bunch of slack lately, but during the day while he is at work, I am on my own.

The doctor thinks that the baby will weigh in at about 8 lbs. 10oz. by the time I deliver according to the ultrasound he did on Monday. Carsten was 8 lbs. 4 oz., so this didn't surprise me or alarm me. But, make no mistake, I am very fearful of giving birth again. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. My 2 1/2 hours of pushing with Carsten with an epidural that had run dry scarred me for life. I can't remember the pain in detail, or anything for that matter, but I do remember almost feeling outside of my body because the pain was so intense that I could not bear it. I am hoping to have a much quicker delivery this time around with NO pain. I plan on having a serious talk with the doctor on Monday to make sure that he understands that I want to be so numb that I FEEL NOTHING. Period.

Aside from the birth, I am really nervous about bringing home a newborn again. The first few months with Carsten were bittersweet for us being that he cried all the time. He was a very difficult baby and I am scared to death that this baby will be the same or worse. I remember so many days that Danyel would come home from work and Carsten and I would just be sitting on the couch crying together. I am hoping that with experience under my belt, I will be able to withstand the experience much better this time around.

On a positive note, I am getting really anxious about meeting this baby and finding out if it is a boy or girl. Everywhere I go, people tell me that I am having a girl, but most family and friends think we are going to have another boy. As I get closer to finding out, I find that I am probably hoping for a girl more than I thought I was - if only because I am not sure (now that I have almost completed a second pregnancy) if I will have the energy to do this all over again. If we have a girl, we are pretty certain that this will be the last addition to our family. If we have a boy, we have talked about trying again for a girl.

My most favorite thing about this pregnancy has been my lack of weight gain. As of today, I have only gained 18 lbs. With Carsten, I was already inching up on 30 lbs. However, my belly is MUCH larger than it was last time around. Go figure. It has also gone by so quickly being that I am preoccupied with Carsten. With Carsten, it just dragged along because of all the excitement of being a first time mom.