My biggest fault as a mother...

Hi, my name is Cara and I am a neurotic & controlling mother. There I said it. It's true. I want so badly to be a relaxed and calm mother, but it is a daily struggle for me. As Carsten gets older and more independent (definition: stubborn), I feel more and more out of control. What's worse is that I believe his temperament is a carbon copy of my own. This makes for a lot of battles between the two of us. I have been labeled a "control freak" for the better part of my adulthood. With toddlers, especially a very active and head strong one, I am completely out of my comfort zone.

The thing that I have the hardest time dealing with is his eating habits... or lack their of. His only habit is to abstain from eating or to at least die trying. Meals are very unenjoyable in our house because I am busy distracting, begging, & pleading Carsten to eat. If I put food on his tray, he may take 3 or 4 bites and fuss to get down - on a good day. If I feed him with a spoon, he starts to fuss as soon as he sees the spoon coming at him... I have to distract him by letting him play with toys. This is the only way he will open his mouth. Frequently, the meal ends with both of us in tears. People on the "outside" ask why I don't just respect his wishes and not force him. "They" say that he will not starve, he will eventually eat. I CAN NOT DO THIS. I just can't relax about it and trust that my 13 1/2 month old will do what is best for himself. Can't do it. Sure, it sounds easy. Just read his cues and respect his decision to either eat or not. This is what all the books say to do... "If you force them, you will create a monster", "Respect their hunger cues", etc. Duh - common sense. So, why don't I do that? If I just let Carsten make his own decisions - whether he eats or not - the first few days or weeks he may eat next to nothing and be very cranky, but in the long run, he will adapt. He will figure out that when he gets hungry, he should eat. Right? (Seriously, if any of you have any advice on this issue, please feel free to offer it in the comments section!)

It's not just the eating... it's much more. I get frustrated so easily with him. When I tell him a million times not to do something, and he does it over and over... with a smile. Drives me nuts. When I want him to sit still... for just a second... and he won't. When I am trying to read to him and he pushes his way out of my lap... I can't stand it. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIM. My common sense tells me, "He's a boy... he's a toddler... his behavior is completely normal! Chill out!"

I guess my control issues stem from the fact that I am fearful. I am fearful of not doing something right. If I don't force him to eat, I am afraid of him being cranky, losing weight, and starving. If I don't set enough boundaries, I am afraid that he will become an unruly child. I am afraid everyday that I am going to do something wrong that will alter him as a person for the wrong. Everyday. The first two years of a child's life are the most formative. I only have 10 more months to form him. OMG.

The bottom line here is that I need to learn to relax. Just relax. It is a struggle for me everyday. I can get wound up pretty tight, pretty quickly. I am willing to bet that later in life I will inherit my father's high blood pressure. I am well on my way, if I don't learn how to CALM DOWN! This is the best thing that I can do for Carsten, myself, and Danyel. I love my son more than words could ever express. If I just let him know that everyday, I can't go wrong, right?